By Oladipo Oluwatosin Emmanuel
Marriage is often described as a union of two hearts, but in many homes, it begins as a game of ownership; particularly between a wife and her mother-in-law. While this struggle is rarely spoken about openly, it is a reality in countless families: the mother sees her son as her property, shaped by years of care, sacrifice, and guidance; the wife sees him as hers to love, nurture, and build a home with.
The Hidden Battlefield
Many women confess, sometimes in jest but often in frustration, that they have “prayed” for the death of their mother-in-law. Why? Because the mother-in-law often views the husband as her lifelong investment; an asset whose loyalty, care, and attention are rewards for years of sacrifice. Every advice, every gift, every act of nurturing becomes a silent claim: “This is my property, I know what is best for him.”
For the wife, these claims can feel like interference, a denial of her role, and an intrusion into the sacred sphere of her marital home. Conflict arises when:
- Mothers insist on influence over household decisions.
- Wives feel sidelined in matters of emotional or financial control.
- Traditions, previous experiences, or cultural teachings reinforce the mother’s authority.
- The clash often escalates because both parties believe they have legitimate claims.
Why This Happens
1. Sacrificial Investment: Mothers have invested years in raising their sons and often expect loyalty or consultation in major decisions.
2. Cultural and Social Conditioning: In some societies, a mother’s voice remains dominant long after her son marries.
3. Ignorance and Miscommunication: Both women may lack guidance on how to transition roles, leading to misunderstanding and resentment.
4. Circle of Influence: Friends, family, and previous experiences shape expectations, sometimes encouraging conflict.
African adage: “He who is bitten by a snake fears a rope.”
Past experiences, perceived betrayals, or fears of losing influence make mothers cautious or controlling.
Biblical and Practical Perspective
The Bible provides guidance on honoring parents while establishing marital independence.
Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and your mother…”
Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
The key is balance: honor without dependence, respect without interference.
Advice for a Successful Hand-Over
1. Open Communication: Before marriage, husbands must clearly communicate boundaries to their mothers and wives, setting the tone for respect and cooperation.
2. Acknowledgement of Sacrifice: Wives should recognize the mother-in-law’s role and contributions, offering gratitude for the love and care invested.
3. Role Clarity: Mothers should understand that the primary emotional and decision-making responsibility now rests with the wife in her marital home.
4. Transition Rituals: Symbolic acts, prayers, or counsel sessions can formalize the “handover,” showing mutual respect and cooperation.
5. Mutual Respect: Neither party should undermine the other. Criticism or interference in private matters breeds conflict.
6. Husband as Mediator: The husband must actively maintain balance, showing appreciation for his mother while supporting his wife as head of his marital household.
African proverb: “A man who marries a wife also inherits a mother.”
Understanding this truth allows for careful navigation of relationships, avoiding unnecessary conflict.
Moving from Ownership to Partnership
The handover of a husband from mother to wife is not a contest—it is a transition of stewardship. Mothers do not lose their sons; wives do not need to fight for authority. With humility, communication, and intentional respect, both women can collaborate in nurturing the marriage.
Practical Tip: Consider joint prayer sessions or family counseling to bless the home and define boundaries clearly.
Conclusion
Marriage thrives not on domination but on cooperation, honor, and shared vision. When mothers understand their new role and wives embrace gratitude and respect, the “game of ownership” turns into a partnership of blessing.
Instead of conflict, let homes become spaces of peace, respect, and unity, where the husband is cherished, boundaries are honored, and both women find their rightful place in God’s plan for the family.
Closing Wisdom: “A family that walks together in respect, prays together in unity, and loves without reservation, will never lack blessings.”
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